


Across the Universe

by Letticiae



Series: Stella Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-11-06 23:13:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/424288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Letticiae/pseuds/Letticiae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story follows Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko through key ME2 moments and features renegon Stella Shepard from my one-shot "Step Inside Love". Reading SIL is not recquired, but it is recommended. FShenko. Kaidan/Citadel doctor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pools of Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> \- This fic continues the story of Kaidan and my renegon Stella Shepard from the one-shot “Step Inside Love”, and it’ll stray from canon at some points. I'm giving Shep and Kaidan over six months together before she dies, not one. And, there will be a post-ME2/pre-ME3 reunion.  
> \- English is not my first language and I don’t have a beta for this fic yet. If you’re willing to help me with this, let me know.

 

> _Pools of sorrow, waves of joy_  
>  _Are drifting through my opened mind_  
>  _Possessing and caressing me_
> 
> _(Lennon/McCartney)_

Kaidan had already given orders for the surviving marines to scan the area, set up a distress beacon, make a list of the crewmembers who hadn't yet been accounted for, triage the wounded, protect the perimeter and set up camp. All he had to do now was to wait for the last escape pod to arrive — the one that would be bringing Shepard and Joker to the relative safety of Alchera's surface.

He saw it landing minutes later, a bit far from the others. It worried him that the landing had been a bit too rough. Hadn't Joker taken control of his pod to make it land more smoothly? Kaidan knew how much the Normandy's helmsman avoided using the auto-pilot as much as possible. Maybe… God, was it possible that Joker hadn't made it? That Shepard had failed to save him? No. Shepard was unstoppable, infallible, unerring. Perhaps Joker had suffered some kind of injury, maybe had a few broken bones or something. Yeah, that was probably it.

Kaidan was a hundred meters from the pod when he saw its door opening. No one climbed out of it, which made him feel uneasy, so he sprinted towards it with Liara on his heels. When he looked inside, Joker was the only one in there and he had his face buried in his hands, even with the breather over his nose and mouth. Kaidan halted abruptly at the door feeling his heart clamping in his throat, his stomach turning, his head spinning…

"W-Where's Shepard?" he managed to ask, though he knew all the escape pods had already landed and if she weren't inside that one...

Joker lifted his head slightly, letting his tear-streaked cheeks show, but did not make eye contact with Kaidan or Liara as he answered, "She didn't make it."

Kaidan yanked him out of the pod by the collar, his biotics flaring dangerously. "What do you mean she didn't make it? She's your CO and you disobeyed her direct orders to abandon ship. She went after you, to save you! Now you're here and she's not?"

"T-There was another blast when she got me into the pod and… she got… she got spaced," the helmsman explained, shaken and disheartened but not afraid of the sentinel.

Kaidan noticed Liara was about to intervene, but before she could do it, he let go of Joker's collar and fell on his knees. It was like all his strength had left his body. "Her suit… Oh, God." He couldn't even say it out loud. Knowing that she would drift helplessly in the darkness for about six hours until the oxygen reserves in her suit would wear out and then she would choke to death was… heart-wrenching to say the least.

Liara seemed to know exactly what he was thinking and her eyes shimmered with tears. They had absolutely no means to go looking for Shepard and if there was a feeling worse than that of their utter incapacity, it was what she must have been feeling, lost in the void. Maybe she would unseal her suit and let the vacuum take her. Painful, cruel, but fast. Unfortunately, that thought didn't bring Kaidan any solace.

He took a deep, steadying breath, got up, squared his shoulders, dodged the blue hands that were attempting to comfort him and intentionally knocked Joker over as he strode towards the other survivors. Being the ranking officer now, he had to take charge and make sure everyone would live until rescue came.

Almost six hours later, they were still waiting for Alliance shuttles to pick them up, but the situation was completely under control. Everyone had their assignments, Dr. Chakwas had the wounded stabilized and Kaidan wasn't needed anymore, so he climbed into the only empty escape pod he could find — the one that had been damaged the most in the landing and wasn't being used as shelter by the surviving crew; the one that should've brought Shepard back to him. Crestfallen and slumped on the floor, he watched the clock on his omni-tool reach that time limit that meant the woman he loved was gone forever. The pain was too much and dark energy flowed freely around him as his sobs filled the ruined pod.

The next days were all blurred in his memory by terrible migraines that kept him in the Alliance med-bay in Vancouver. When he left the hospital bed, it was to take part in the worst official appointment he had ever had to attend – Commander Shepard's funeral.

Her surviving crew was all there, aliens included, but he couldn't bring himself to speak to any of them. It was all too painful — the empty casket where her body was supposed to be, the large picture of her standing proudly in her dress blues with all her medals, ribbons, stars and commendations pinned to her chest, Captain Anderson and Admiral Hackett speaking of her heroics and her commitment to duty and Joker... The damned stubborn helmsman had been invited up there to speak in behalf of her crew.

Kaidan didn't want to hear what Joker had to say, but he couldn't just leave in the middle of Shepard's funeral. The helmsman was talking about times Shepard had risked her life for her crew — humans and aliens alike. Not all the times, that would take too long, but one for each of them. Right then and there he realized he was wrong to blame Joker for her death. The truth was that she could've died when she had taken that damned polonium round for him or when she had jumped over Tali to protect her from a thresher maw acid spit. Shepard was like that — willing to risk everything for one of her own, not because she had a death wish, but because she believed she had to atone for the bad choices she had made in the past, for her time running with a gang on Earth, for Torfan.

" _Aye aye, ma'am_." Those were the last words he spoke to her, while Joker had been defying her authority in the Normandy's final moments. That was another reason he had been so pissed with the helmsman. Kaidan had defied and second-guessed Shepard before, but at that critical moment he had chosen to obey her. If he had been brave enough to defy her again, maybe he would have managed to get her into a damned escape pod, or maybe he would have died with her, or for her. Either way would have been better than this, than living without her.

After the funeral, Anderson told him he would have one more week of leave and then he would be getting a promotion and would be assigned to another ship. He hated how life kept going. Nothing had stopped even for a second because she had died.

The next day, she would turn thirty and her former crew went to have drinks in her honor before they disbanded for good. He didn't go. The whole day he spent staring at the small box that contained the gift he had gotten her for that occasion. A damned diamond ring. The very thing he had thought would bring him endless happiness was now source of unbearable pain. He knew that before they get married they would have to come clean with the brass about their fraternization and he would probably be transferred to another ship, but it was all worth if it meant they would be together in the end. More than anything he wanted to give her hope that the madness of their lives would be over some day and they would be able to settle down, to have a normal life and a family.

He grabbed the ring, crushing it in his clenched fist until it was almost cutting through his skin as he went to see his parents. The last time he had visited them it had been during shore leave, a couple of weeks after he and Shepard had defeated Saren and Sovereign. First, they had had to heal a few wounds and broken limbs, do infinite amounts of paperwork, give interviews, receive medals and all that official bull, of course. Then, they had finally had some time off and he had taken her to Vancouver with him to introduce her to his parents.

His mother had been totally out of line talking about marriage and grandchildren, his father had given them disapproving glares because they were breaking Alliance regs, his younger brother and sister had embarrassed him with stories and pictures from his childhood. For him, it had been stressful and overwhelming and he would rather be fighting geth; but Shepard had loved it and had had such a bright smile on her face and a genuinely happy glint in her eyes that he had decided he could endure his family any day if it meant she would have that look on her face.

"I've always wondered what was like to have a family. Thank you for bringing me here. It was wonderful to spend some time in a real home," she had told him when they had finally left his parents' home.

That had been six months ago.

"I'm sorry, son," his mother said, hugging him tightly.

"Here, Ma. Take this. Do whatever you want with it. I just… I don't want to return it, but I can't look at it anymore," he replied, giving his mother a small box with the engagement ring inside.

When she realized what she was holding, her eyes filled up with tears. She pulled her son closer and he lowered his head to rest on her shoulder. One more time, he allowed himself to cry for the woman he loved and the life they could've had together.


	2. Images of Broken Light

> _Images of broken light, which_   
>  _Dance before me like a million eyes,_   
>  _They call me on and on across the universe._
> 
> _(Lennon/McCartney)_

Two years later, Staff Commander Alenko had a ship – the SSV Shangai –, a crew and they were fighting… geth. He knew all too well that was not the fight the Alliance should be investing in, but there was nothing he could do about it. He just had to coordinate the clearing of one last geth outpost in some unremarkable planet and then he and his crew would get a well-deserved two-week shore leave.

After the job was done, the SSV Shangai docked at the Citadel. Most of the crew went to get transportation to whatever systems they wanted to spend their leave in. Kaidan decided to stay at the Citadel, where he had recently gotten an apartment. His closest friends – Gunnery Sergeant Derek Brown and his XO Lieutenant Gregory Scott – also stayed at the Citadel.

Derek was engaged to Dr. Chloe Michel and Greg was married to biomedical engineer Jenna Wright. They were all close friends and it was only natural that they would try to find someone for the only bachelor in their group.

After a lot of pushing, Kaidan finally agreed to go out for drinks with Jenna's younger sister – Dr. Jessica Wright.

"Please, call me Jess."

"Alright… Jess."

She was nothing like Shepard. Five minutes talking and she had already touched his right hand that was resting around his glass over the table. Twice. That easy intimacy was strange. Well, it shouldn't be, after all there were no regs to hold them back. But, still…

"I'm a dermatologist."

"Dermatologist? That's… safe." It was all he could think of to say about that.

"Safe?" she smiled, kind of amused. "Yeah, I guess it is."

She wasn't fresh out of med school. At age 29 she had actually already built quite a reputation for herself. If you had a bad case of acne or got  _molluscum contagiosum_  from an asari, she was the one you wanted.

She dealt with acne, pimples and moles. No burnt victims, no skin cancer, no blood. It was refreshing to be around someone like that, someone who did not have to deal with death, loss and tragedy on a daily basis.

They talked, endured a couple of awkward silences, had a few drinks, talked more easily, laughed and then he walked her home. After a polite goodbye on her doorstep, he went back to his place thinking that dating wasn't as bad he had thought it would be. Maybe it was time for him to really let himself have a life again. Yeah, it was time.

He hadn't even gotten home yet when his omni-tool beeped. It was a message from Admiral Anderson. " _Commander Alenko, we have a situation. Come to my office ASAP_."

* * *

"These are security vids retrieved from the prison ship Purgatory. They sent a generic distress signal before going silent two days ago. We thought a prisoner mutiny had led to the massacre that took place there, but… here," Anderson said, hitting the key to play the vid, "see for yourself."

Kaidan found it hard to trust his eyes when what they were seeing was Commander Stella Shepard very much alive, in the company of two Cerberus operatives and shooting down humans and aliens, prisoners and Blue Suns guards, giving hell to anyone who crossed her path.

"This can't be really her, sir," Kaidan uttered, struggling to keep his voice blank. There was too much going through his head right now – memories, hope, doubts, pain, hurt, anger…

"I sent her a message asking her to come see me," Anderson said.

"Did you get an answer?"

"Yes. She'll be here in three days."

That did it. Kaidan seemed to have forgotten how to breathe and wisps of dark energy escaped his hands, causing Anderson to eye him suspiciously. He had to say something, anything, before the Admiral started asking questions about his obvious distress. "Can I be here when she comes, sir?" he breathed out as he fought to regain control of his emotions.

"I'm afraid not, Alenko. The Alliance has just received some important intel on who's behind the attacks on human colonies and which one is most likely to be targeted next. We'll be sending you there to investigate."

Anderson briefed Kaidan on his new mission and informed him he would be leaving in six hours.

* * *

It was the weirdest thing, being aware but completely unable to move. Defenseless, he watched as those mysterious swarms paralyzed all the colonists, as the Collectors – a race he wasn't even sure it really existed until now – arrived in great numbers and started shoving people into creepy pods and taking them away. There was nothing he could do but wait for his turn to be taken. He had heard what had happened in Freedom's Progress, Ferris Fields and other remote human colonies and he hadn't been able to wrap his mind around the fact that everyone had been gone with no shots being fired, no signs of battle. Now he was learning exactly how it had happened.

The Alliance intel had pointed out the terrorist group  _Cerberus_  as the most probable culprit behind the deserted human colonies. He was learning now first-hand how wrong their intelligence had been. Whatever it was that had paralyzed him, it was much stronger than stasis, totally different from cryo and definitely no known technology. It made him feel weak, caused the buzz of his biotics to cease completely and drastically slowed his heart rate.

Suddenly, there was gunfire and about a third of the Collectors stopped loading people into their grotesque pods to go face whatever it was that had dared interrupting them. Did someone come to aid the colonists? How, if they didn't even have time to set a distress beacon or send any messages? Wouldn't these people get paralyzed too by the seeker swarms? Whoever it was, it was posing a real threat, because more than half the creatures had already left to fight.

The gunfire was getting louder, closing in. The pods had been completely abandoned now. All Collectors were engaged in battle. And then Kaidan heard… her.

" _I'll take point. Jacob, on my six. Massani, inferno grenade now!_ " he heard her shout. Her voice sounded exactly the same – confident and determinate as she had always been on the battlefield.

The fight went on. His skin crawled when he heard one of the creatures make direct threats to her, calling her by her name, promising that she would know pain. If that was really her and not some Cerberus operative somehow using her face – and her voice, her skills, her prowess and obstinacy in combat? – so her death had been just a cover for her to switch sides? Before the Normandy had gone down, they had been spending a lot of time together. There had been no sign she might have been communicating with Cerberus or planning to leave the Alliance. Also, the Shepard he knew would never do something like that. It made no sense.

" _Fuck!_ " he heard her yell and she followed that with a long stream of curses in asari, turian, quarian and human languages, ending with an especially nasty one in krogan she had picked up from Wrex. It had to be her. Only she could curse like that and it meant she was in trouble.

Alchera came to his mind – how he had sat in that empty escape pod waiting helplessly for the moment she would be gone beyond hope – and now he was feeling somewhat like that. Being helpless did not sit well with him.

The gunfire didn't cease for what it felt like hours. The agony of just waiting there, unable to move, unsure about what was going to happen… it was maddening. Then he heard the defense towers going online and start firing. The Collector ship fled and, all of a sudden, he regained his movements.

If there was someone, anyone in the galaxy who could pull off a rescue when there was no more hope, it was Shepard. She was there, alive. It had to be her.

And then he saw her and everything went to hell. She was with a man in a Cerberus uniform; the one that had appeared by her side in every security vid he had watched since the rumors about her return had started. Anderson kept sending him those damned vids and asking him for input on what she might be doing and the people she was with. So help him, being stationed on the dull colony of Horizon allowed him too much free time for his own good and he was spending hours thrashing over those vids, even after his reports about them had been long done and sent.

Besides the Cerberus operative, her other ally that day was a known criminal, founder of the Blue Suns, a mercenary and bounty-hunter called Zaeed Massani. The bad company wasn't all that was wrong at the sight of her. Her scars from Torfan – one on her upper lip and the other on her left eyebrow – were gone. The red glint in her eyes made it obvious they weren't real, definitely not the eyes he remembered. And the new red scars on her face indicated that was not his Shepard, but someone – or something – with too many cybernetic implants for comfort.

However her relieved sigh at the sight of him unharmed, the way her expression softened as she looked into his eyes and her sad smile caused his body to move on its own accord to hug her. It felt like home. Her scent was the same. The way her body felt against his was the same. Her height, her voice, her curses were the same. Her biotics felt different though, and he backed away.

He wanted to believe her, but her story sounded like the plot of a bad sci-fi holo-movie. He couldn't decide if he trusted that person to be her and in the end he had called her a traitor, but had told her to take care. It had been the worst talk ever. To ruin it completely, he had spoken his piece and then he had turned his back on her; he had simply walked out, fled cowardly from the conversation without giving her a proper chance to explain herself.

He hadn't gone very far though, before regret had dawned on him. Why was he acting like that? He owed her better than that. He should talk to her in private, ask more questions, try to make sure it was really her and see if she needed help. He didn't even ask if she was injured. He remembered a time when he would have given anything to have one more day with her. Now he had it and he was going to throw it away? He halted and looked back, decided to call her name, to try again, to make it better and to give her a chance. Give  _them_  another chance. But she already had her back to him and was looking down as she limped towards a shuttle with her team. The one on her right, the Cerberus operative, put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. She looked up at him and said something Kaidan couldn't quite make out the words. The man replied with a warm smile and kept his hand on her shoulder until they reached the shuttle. Then, he helped her jump in.

The marine ran a hand through his hair and refrained himself from calling her name. He turned on his heels again. Over two years had gone by. He was trying to replace her and she had probably replaced him already.


	3. Shades of Life

> _Sounds of laughter, shades of life_   
>  _Are ringing through my opened ears_   
>  _Inciting and inviting me._
> 
> _(Lennon/McCartney)_

Back on the Citadel to meet with Anderson, report his findings and get his new assignment, Kaidan also considered calling Jess for a second date.

"I read your report, Commander. I'm glad Shepard arrived in time to rescue you," Anderson said. "It is unfortunate, though, that half the colony was abducted."

Kaidan just nodded.

"Are you okay, Alenko?"

"Do you think it's really her, sir?"

"You don't? C-sec has the best scans in the galaxy. They say it's her."

"But, do you believe she was really dead for two years?"

"I know it's hard to believe it, Commander, but I learned to expect anything from Shepard. Thank God she's back, even if it's the work of Cerberus. The Council reinstated her as a Spectre, but they won't do anything else for her or for us. Neither the Council nor the Alliance recognizes the Reapers as the real threat here. Shepard is humanity's best hope and she wouldn't have the resources to do what she's doing from anyone but Cerberus."

Kaidan hated how much sense that made. Clearly, he wasn't thinking when he had called her a traitor.

Back in his apartment, instead of calling the doctor, he decided to write Shepard an e-mail. It took him a long time and a lot of rewrites and when he finally hit 'send' he still wasn't happy about it. It was that damned habit of his of always leaving a way out that again had kept him from telling her what he really wanted to. At least he had said he was sorry for the way he had talked to her back on Horizon. But then he had told her about his date. Why on earth would he mention that? He had been in one lousy date and it hadn't meant anything. Mentioning that was more than leaving a way out, it was a childish attempt to hurt her. He should have waited longer to write that e-mail, waited until he could get a hold of that emotional rollercoaster her unexpected return had thrown him in. Dammit! Now the shit was done. It was best to wait for her reply and then just ask her, beg her if needed, for her to meet him, so they could talk privately and in person.

After that, every beep from his omni-tool made his heart race with hope that it could be a message from her. He got one from Joker first.

_Jackass._

That was all the message said. Yeah, he probably deserved that.

Then he got one from an unknown sender.

_Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko, my name is Miranda Lawson – Normandy SR-2 XO. I speak in behalf of Commander Stella Shepard and her crew. If you make any other attempt to disrupt the Commander's attention from the mission she's expected to perform, whether it comes in the form of messages written with the intention to disturb her emotional balance or another display of passive-aggressive attitude towards her if a random encounter between the two of you happens to take place again, you will be considered hostile and there will be retaliation. We are on a critical mission and failure is not an option. We cannot afford any distractions or emotional upheavals. We need the Commander at her best. Humanity depends on her. Do not try to contact her again, I warn you._

_Thank you for your attention._

It was a rather polite way to threaten someone. And it meant Cerberus was reading Shepard's mail. Joker too. Great. He wondered if she knew that. She probably did. Nothing ever escaped her. She probably didn't mind or she would have done something to prevent it.

He re-read Miranda's message, trying to extract every bit of information he could from between the lines. It looked like his harsh words on Horizon and his lame e-mail had affected Shepard to the point that her crew had been able to notice it. It was hard to believe that. He had never seen a crack on her Commander Fucking Shepard mask once she'd put it on. Hadn't she moved on? Was it possible that she still… loved him?

But then two whole weeks had gone by and he still hadn't gotten a reply from her. She had turned into a ghost, haunting him every day, driving him insane. He would hear her voice in every freaking store on the Citadel, her vid punching the insufferable reporter Khalisah Al-Jilani had gone viral, her name would show up every day in random Alliance reports – for sending them compromising intel on Cerberus (was she with them or not?), for returning the dog tags from the SSV Normandy crew that had been killed in action, for turning Ronald Taylor over to them, for saving the SSV Broken Arrow. Not a day would go by without her name popping up a couple of times in front of him.

His friends insisted he should go out with Jessica again, probably noticing how disturbed he had been looking lately. They kept saying he had to resume his efforts to get his personal life back on track from the point it was before Shepard's return. As if it were that simple…

However he found himself in her presence again. Jessica's, not Shepard's. He hadn't asked her on a second date. Actually, Derek, Chloe, Greg and Jenna had set him up, saying everyone was going out for drinks at Flux and then not showing, so the two of them would be alone. Jess looked disheartened when she got their message with some lame excuse for their absence and Kaidan felt bad for her. He hadn't realized he had been such a poor company on their first date. Well, now that he was thinking about it, it seemed they were having a good time, but then he hadn't made a move on her the entire night and hadn't called her for a second date when she had made it clear she was interested, with all the touching and easy smiles. She must have thought he hadn't liked her after all.

He looked at the obviously disappointed woman in front of him and decided he would try to be a better date this time. He owed it to Greg and Jenna to give Jess a chance.

* * *

Jess had beautiful long blond hair. Shepard kept her black hair always short. She used to cut it herself. One time, right after she had become a Spectre, she had gotten back to the Normandy after completing some assignment in the Strennus System saying she was going to shave her head. All because her hair had gotten one centimeter longer than usual and an errant strand had fallen over her eye when she was about to take a shot at a merc. One missed shot and she wanted to shave her head. Leave it to Shepard to fight a varren with a nuke. But then he had managed to talk her out of it just by saying he liked her messy hair the way it was. He remembered how her eyes had widened just a little bit at his words and a small smile had tugged at the corner of her mouth and then she had settled for her regular cropped cut. She was his commanding officer and he shouldn't be giving his opinion without being asked, especially about something of personal nature, but the fact that he had and had gotten that reaction from her had made his heart pound like mad.

 _No! Stop that!_   _Stop thinking about Shepard! This is exactly why you've been alone and miserable for over two years_ , he chided himself internally.

Kaidan signaled the waitress. He and Jess needed a drink fast so they could loosen up a bit. It worked and they were soon talking about movies and music and other trivial stuff. There was no mention of what was new on the heavy weaponry market, no discussion of strategies to assault geth, no agonizing over the Reaper threat and the fate of the galaxy. It was… relaxing. After having a few drinks, they danced – for him the latter was only possible after a considerable amount of the former.

Jess actually knew how to dance. She was not stiff and awkward like Shepard. Or him. Yeah, dancing was not for him, even after a few drinks. He wanted to get out of there.

The dance floor was loud and crowded, so they had to talk in each other's ear as he invited her to go get something to eat somewhere else. The way she pressed her body – clad not in armor, but in an incredibly form-fitting mid-thigh length silver dress with a backless halter top – flush against him and put a hand on the back of his head as she asked, "Right now?" almost made him change his mind and stay on the dance floor with her. But his biotic appetite protested and he curled a hand around her waist as he guided her away from the crowd.

As they left the club Kaidan thought about how normal things had been that night. Had he gone to Flux with Shepard, they would surely be leaving with some sort of odd assignment to complete. But with Jess there were no suspicious signals to track, no drug addicts having withdrawal crisis, no shady salarians with illicit scanners; no madness for him to be dragged into.

"So, where are we going?" Jess asked, interrupting his train of thought.

Where hadn't he gone with Shepard?

"If you like Chinese food, there's a new place not far from here. We can walk there," the doctor suggested.

Human food? Excellent suggestion. And a new place? Even better. It meant there would be no memories of him and Shepard there for sure, though that wouldn't make much of a difference if he didn't stop thinking about her. He readily agreed and tried to focus on the woman by his side; Jessica and her sexy little dress.

" _I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite restaurant on the Citadel_ ," a recording of his former lover's voice greeted them as they entered the Chinese place.

"You have got to be kidding me," Kaidan muttered under his breath.

"Is something wrong?" Jess asked.

"Let's find a table further from the door," the marine suggested.

"I'm sorry," a waiter intercepted them. "At this late hour we only do take-out."

Jess gave Kaidan an expectant look.

"Uh… I guess… we can eat at my place then?" he said, slightly embarrassed and totally unsure about what exactly he was proposing. He half hoped she would say no.

"Okay. You get the food and I'll hail a cab," she agreed, smiling warmly at him.

He wondered how much of what was happening that night was due to the many drinks he had had at Flux. But there was no way to undo his invitation now. He really was going to take a woman to his apartment.

And, shortly after, there they were.

"Whoa! You certainly got a lot of food there, soldier. How many more people are coming to dinner?" she jested as he began setting the table, her pouty lips curled in an amused smile.

He shot her a confused look. What was wrong with that amount of food? It was food for two. Oh… right. For two biotics. For him and Shepard. God, this was never going to work if he didn't get Shepard out of his head. And now he was feeling self-conscious about eating in front of the doctor.

She must have noticed his sudden embarrassment, because she hastily changed the subject. "How about we have a drink with that?"

He had never had people over and he didn't usually drink. "Beer?" he offered, hoping she would accept. It was all he had.

* * *

He didn't know how they had gotten there, but there they were, in his bedroom, and he was kissing her and backing her towards his bed. He probably had had too much to drink. Even before having those beers in his apartment he had had too much to drink already. It was not like him to go to bars and dates, let alone drink too much and sleep with someone on a second date, but he didn't know who he was anymore, he didn't know who Shepard was anymore, he didn't know what they were anymore.

He needed something real to cling to. He wanted to, needed to feel human again. He tried. Dr. Wri– Jess, with her impossibly smooth and perfectly tanned skin, didn't feel real though.

Shepard's skin was pale from ever being fully covered by her armor. When had she had the privilege to lay undisturbed under the sun, wearing a bikini and sipping on a colorful drink? Never. Everybody knew the day Shepard would go for a holiday on the beach would be the day a Reaper would decide to claim the place for itself. And smooth skin? Not since she was eighteen and had taken a bullet during an Alliance operation to catch a drug lord and dismantle his gang in Rio. The wound hadn't healed properly, because she had asked some unlicensed doctor on the favela to stitch her up, and then she had been captured by the Alliance and her infected wound had only been discovered much later, when she had started running a fever. Actually, she had a few scars from before that, but they were… off-limits. She never talked about them.

No, this wasn't right. This night shouldn't be about Shepard. It should be about Jessica. Jess. He would never have to help this woman clean creeper vomit off her armor. He would never have to put her dislocated shoulder back in place after a krogan charge. He would never have to dig out with his bare fingers in the middle of the battlefield a polonium round lodged in her ribs. Not if Shepard really was out there, fighting the Collectors, the Reapers and keeping the galaxy safe. And Jess would never take a damned polonium round for him. She would never die for her crew, for her stubborn helmsman. Everything about Jess was safe and normal. Jess was all civilian – the complete opposite of the super-soldier Commander Shepard – which made her the perfect date for someone who needed to get over Shepard. And he needed to get over her. He didn't want to, though, and all he could think about was how this woman of impossibly smooth skin was nothing like his Shepard.

* * *

His omni-tool beeped, interrupting his sleep. It was a request for a video call coming from an encrypted channel. He chose to ignore it and put his tool on mute. It was four in the morning, a migraine was forming in the back of his head – it was probably going to be an especially nasty one because of his drinking the past night – and he had no clothes on. He was tired, asleep, with a naked woman by his side, thus in no condition at all to take a vid-call at that moment, especially one coming from an unidentified source. Surely it wasn't anyone on the Alliance and none of his friends and family. Could it be…? No, probably not. He had sent her a message and had her contact stored. If she were replying, there would be an ID.

His eyes shifted from his omni-tool to the woman sleeping on his bed. She turned and rested one leg over his and a hand on his chest. Her body was warm and it made him feel… something. Comfort. God, he hadn't realized how much he had missed this. Contact. Intimacy. Sex. It had been over two years since he had last… No. He was not going to start reminiscing about that again right now.

He ran a hand on her arm over his chest. It felt different from what he expected and he immediately went to try her leg that was draped over him. Definitely different and not the bad kind. Shepard was all sturdy and muscular. Jess was more lithe and supple. Her limbs were slender and delicate. It was a shame he had rushed into bed with her like that. That night's events were all hazy in his mind. He wasn't even sure if it were him who kissed her first or the other way around. And he didn't remember at all how they had gotten into his bedroom.

He decided he was going to go out with her again, but their third date would involve much less drinking, hopefully much less thinking about his ex and definitely much more enjoying Jess. She deserved it and he needed it.

He quickly fell back into a peaceful sleep. The migraine he had been expecting never hit.


	4. Limitless Undying Love

> _Limitless undying love, which_   
>  _Shines around me like a million suns,_   
>  _It calls me on and on across the universe_
> 
> _(Lennon/McCartney)_

Waking up with a shapely feminine leg over his and a soft hand resting on his chest was undoubtedly pleasing and Kaidan decided to stay in bed a little longer, enjoying that feeling. His fingers trailed the elegant ones splayed across his chest. Long nails. Shepard's nails were short. They had to be because armor always included skintight gloves.

Damn! Couldn't his brain focus on anything else but Shepard? Upset with himself, he sat up abruptly.

"Hey, you. Late for something?" Jess asked, idly stretching her arms.

He looked at her and all that had happened last night came back to him in a rush. Amidst the booze, dancing, Chinese food, more drinking and sex, he remembered getting an unexpected call. He needed to see what that was about, but also needed food and a shower. His stomach growled, demanding he would see to it first. He hesitated for a moment. Should he make Jess breakfast? Yes, probably. She was in his apartment after all. But then should he bring it to her in bed or that would be too much? It was still early. Should he ask if she would like to sleep a little longer? It was best to take a quick shower first until he could figure it out. Or should he offer her to use the bathroom first? Would she want to shower there? Should he get her a clean towel?

Dealing with the aftermath of casual sex was something he was not at all familiar with. And Jess was still waiting for his answer.

"No. Uh… take your time. I think I… I'll go make breakfast," he said, but went into the bathroom instead and took a quick shower. It helped him clear his head and he finally decided the best way to handle breakfast.

He put on some pants but didn't bother with a shirt and headed to the kitchen. Starving as any biotic would be in the morning, he made eggs, bacon and pancakes and set the table for two. He went into his room to call Jess, but then he heard her in the shower.

Through the closed door to the bathroom he asked, "Do you need anything?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine," she yelled from inside.

"There are clean towels in the –"

"I already found them," she interrupted him.

All right… He wondered what had he done to make her feel so comfortable in his apartment. All he remembered was thinking of Shepard the whole time while in bed with Jess. Sex with Shepard was always passionate and hungry, if not a little desperate. They always made love as if it were the last time. Joker was right – he really was a jackass. How could he make up to Jess for sleeping with her while thinking of another woman?

He couldn't talk about that shit with Greg. Derek, then. As soon as Jess left his apartment he would call his friend.

Feeling a little better, now that he had some kind of plan, he made himself a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs and sat in front of his terminal to check out his messages while waiting for the doctor to come out of the shower.

There was a message from right about the time he had gotten that vid-call request in the middle of the night. No ID. Subject:  _Re: About Horizon._ He opened it. There was nothing written, but there was a vid attached. The second he hit  _play_ , his heart was already racing, his mouth going dry, his palms sweating…

" _Kaidan, I'm sorry I didn't send you a reply sooner. I guess I just didn't know the best way to tell you this…_ "

Shepard cleared her throat, shifted on her chair and squared her shoulders, as if she was trying to make herself more presentable to him. " _I really died_ ," she started. " _The Shadow Broker was going to sell my body to the Collectors, but thankfully Liara retrieved it… me… before that happened. She gave my body to Cerberus, because they told her they could bring me back. They wanted me to do what no one else was doing – fight the Collectors and the Reapers."_

Just by the way she paused and swallowed he could tell she was not very confident about what she was going to say next. _"You don't need to take my word for it. I'm sending you right now the Lazarus Project files. That's the ironically poetic name Cerberus gave to the disturbingly unnatural thing they did to me. I wish you would take my word for it, though. The images in those files are very… upsetting, to say the least, and I don't think you should see them. I don't want you to suffer any more than you did already. But, I realized I can't live or die in peace knowing that you think I betrayed you, that I left you, that I might have forgotten that night before Ilos…_ " she broke eye contact, blinking away the threat of tears in her dark eyes. " _Ilos…_ " a sad small smile passed quickly through her lips. " _I just couldn't go where I'm going right now without setting the record straight with you._ "

She looked at the camera again and she seemed… hurt? Heartbroken? He had never seen that look on her face before. " _Back on Horizon you said you loved me. Past tense_ ," she sighed sadly. " _You had time, Kaidan. I didn't. I still love you. For me it's been little over two months since we were last together. When I woke up and learned that two years had gone by… Damn! All I could think about was you! I wanted to find you, but Anderson wouldn't tell me where you were, The Illusive Man wouldn't tell me…_ " she looked down and took a deep breath before continuing. " _I had to start from scratch. I had no money, I had to re-learn how to use my upgraded biotics, I had to build a new team…_ " she leaned back on her chair and cracked her neck – a nervous habit of hers he was very familiar with. She did that when she was distressed and under a lot of pressure, which was almost every day.

" _I'm sending you dossiers on everyone in my team, by the way. I want you to know them. These are people I trust. They are thieves, mercenaries, assassins… geth…_ " She gave him a crooked roguish smile and added,  _"…yeah, I have an active geth on my ship. And an unshackled AI running things. Don't ask, just… read the dossiers, okay? These… people? Well, whatever they are, they are not only my crew, they are my friends. They are loyal to me and they are all heroes. I don't want them to be forgotten. They are following me into hell itself and deserve credit for their bravery and sacrifice. I say this because…_ " she ran a hand through her short, cropped hair,  _"…we'll be going through the Omega 4 relay any minute now,_ " she said with a carefully blank expression.

Kaidan's breath hitched, his heart sunk and his gut turned into knots. He stood up abruptly, almost tipping over his chair. With clenched fists he began pacing in front of his terminal. That dreadful feeling of helplessness was taking over him again.

Her message continued playing. " _Cerberus rebuilt the Normandy and my team worked their asses off to fully upgrade her. If not for your absence, I'd say she's better than the original. Also, I have Joker, Garrus and Tali with me. We are ready to face whatever it is out there. Still, we all know no ship has ever come back from the Omega 4 relay. It doesn't matter now, because we have to do this. We have to hit the Collectors where they live and do whatever it takes to destroy their base._ "

She detached her back from the chair, approaching the cam again. " _Maybe it's a good thing you were so angry with me when we met on Horizon. It's not fair that I put you through all this again. I'm so sorry. I hope it will be easier for you this time. I don't know what I was thinking when I asked you to join me. I guess I let my feelings for you cloud my better judgment. But thank God you refused. This is a suicide mission, Kaidan, and I want you to live. I want you to find someone, whatever it's this doctor you're seeing or somebody else. I really want you to be happy. I_ need _you to live, to have a wife and kids and a dog and all that shit we even talked and dreamed about a few times but deep down we knew it would never happen for us._ You _can still have it, though. I want you to be truly happy. I_ need _you to be. I need you to do this for me. For us. For all we lost and sacrificed_."

" _ETA 5 minutes. Commander, I need you on the bridge_ ," Joker's voice resonated on the background.

" _Fuck, Alenko! You should've picked up this call, dammit! I could use looking into your eyes one last time._ " She shook her head, looking at her terminal camera in mocking disapproval, but her eyes betrayed her. He could see in them she was sad, hurt even. " _I have your damn picture on my desk. It's a shitty one, but it will have to do. Better than nothing, right? I guess this is goodbye then. Take care, Kaidan. I…"_

" _Commander?"_ Joker's voice rang in the background again.

Shepard inhaled sharply and then breathed out, _"…love you._ " She closed her eyes and lowered her head for a second. Looking back up, she uttered, " _Shepard out._ "

As she said those two last words, her 'Commander Fucking Shepard' mask was already on and the message ended.

Kaidan let out a pained, frustrated growl. His biotics were flaring and he felt the sting of tears in the back of his eyes. Shepard had died on him once. He knew how it felt, how much it hurt and he knew he couldn't possibly live through that again.  _Active geth… AI… Omega 4 relay… goodbye… I love you…_  his head was spinning with the weight of her words, the madness of them.

Suddenly, a scream caused him to look over his shoulder. Jess had just come into the room to find all the furniture floating and then smashing against the walls and the floor.

The marine fell on his knees. He hadn't even noticed he was wreaking havoc around him. He had lost control like that only once before and he had killed a man – a male turian, as a matter of fact. It took him years to get over it and it had been only under Shepard's bold and daring leadership that he had regained the confidence to really unleash his powers on the battlefield.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Wright."  _You've just slept with her, asshole_. "Jess," he corrected himself. "You have to leave. It's not safe here," he said, his voice raspy.

She recovered quickly from the sight of the trashed room. Straightening herself, she took a determined step towards him. "I know you're a biotic, Kaidan. You even flared once last night. It felt… very nice," she said softly, with a hint of mischief in her eyes. "And there's a lot of information on the extranet about the saviors of Citadel… L2, right? I'm not afraid. I… I'm sorry I screamed. I just wasn't expecting… anyway, can I help? I'm a doctor, you know," she offered kindly.

Great. Now she was probably thinking he was one of those crazed L2s. Well, he wasn't at first, but maybe he was becoming one now. "I… no, Jess," he replied, without meeting her eyes. He sat on the floor with his back against the wall and his head hanging between slumped shoulders.

She sat by his side. Dark energy sparkled around him again. It didn't intimidate her this time and she reached to hold his hand. "Tell me what happened," she asked.

He moved his hand away from hers. "I can't do this. I'm not ready. I'm sorry." He wasn't a jerk, but he was about to become one. All he wanted was for her to leave so he could finish destroying everything around him and grieve undisturbed.

"Oh my god, you didn't do this just because you don't want me here, did you?" she waved her arms around and hastily got up on her feet.

"No. No! Of course not. I just… I've received some bad news," he said lamely. There could not have been a worst time for him to decide to finally sleep with someone. This woman did not deserve this. And most of all he was not the kind of man who would sleep with someone and then throw her out. Or maybe he was, apparently.

She didn't look very reassured, but he just couldn't deal with this sort of drama right now. It seemed awfully petty in face of what he had just learned from Shepard's message and how her news was making him feel. "Please, Jess, I need to be alone. I'm sorry," he insisted.

Whether she understood or was just furious and never wanted to see him again, he couldn't tell, but at least she left.

Ten minutes later, Greg was contacting him through his comm. "Commander, are you there? What happened? Jess just called, told me to check up on you."

"It's… Shepard. She sent me a message," he found himself saying.

"Shit. Don't let this get to you, Alenko. You need to move on. Jess is a keeper. Shit! Shit! Shit! Jenna will be so pissed, she's gonna eat my liver. You can't sleep with my sister-in-law and then toss her aside. I never thought you would… Damn! That is not cool, man. Commander. Shit!"

His friend's nervous rambling didn't even register. "She went through the Omega 4 relay," Kaidan said in a low, shaky voice.

There was a pregnant pause. Greg seemed to be at a loss for words. "Six hours ago," the sentinel added, his voice no more than a whisper. It seemed more like he was talking to himself.

"I'm sorry, Commander. I'm coming over," Greg said.

"No. You stay there, Lieutenant. I want to be alone."

"With all due respect, sir, I don't think you should."

God, how he hated that expression! It never failed to make him remember Ashley and how right she had been when she had said what it really meant. He had never used it again after that.

"Do not come here, Lieutenant Scott. That's an order," Kaidan barked at his friend and XO, before closing his channel.

What was he supposed to do now? How would he get news on her? Was there even any news to be had? The Council and the Alliance wouldn't know what she was doing; she didn't trust them anymore. They probably knew less than he did.

Taken by frustration and regret, he paced and cried and smashed things for what it felt like forever, but it might have been just a few minutes, until he was feeling completely drained.

This was his last day of leave. How was he supposed to get back on duty tomorrow?

He dragged himself back to his bed. The floral scent of Jess' fancy perfume was all over the place. His sheets and pillows smelled like her and that triggered a nasty migraine, or at least he blamed it on that. He would have properly changed his bed if the throbbing pain in his head weren't making every little task a thousand times more difficult, if not impossible. He just yanked the sheets and covers off impatiently, turned off all the lights and threw himself face down on his mattress.


	5. Inciting and Inviting Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been over year since I last updated this story, I know and I'm sorry. But I'm back and this fic will be finished, I promise. So… do you still remember what happened last chapter? Here's a quick recap: Kaidan slept with Dr. Jessica Wright, but she left when he got a message from Shepard. It was a goodbye message she had sent him before going through the Omega 4 relay.
> 
> Also, I revised the past four chapters and fixed grammar mistakes, typos and a horrible continuity error I had made regarding Shepard's background.

> _Sounds of laughter, shades of life  
>  Are ringing through my opened ears  
> Inciting and inviting me._
> 
> _(Lennon/McCartney)_

_  
_When his omni-tool beeped, it sounded more like a bell ringing inside his head. He had to make a huge effort to open his eyes. The orange light was painful to look at and he rubbed at his eyes before giving it another try. Was it too much to hope it would be from…? No, it couldn't be. Odds were against her, against _them_. But when weren't they? Maybe…

It was a message from Anderson saying he had good news for him and wanted to meet him in person. Unless the admiral was going to tell him Shepard had succeeded and was back safe and sound, no news would be good enough right now. Unfortunately, it was very unlikely that Anderson would have anything to say on that matter.

His biotic appetite, more than his appointment with the admiral, was what finally got Kaidan up on his feet, though he was more dragging himself than actually walking as he went into the kitchen. By the way Citadel's fake daylight was shining outside, it was about 1300 hours, but he felt like it had been only a couple of minutes since he had gotten that shocking message and thrown himself on his bed, wondering if death wouldn't be preferred to enduring that nasty migraine and the agonizing wait for news – that would most probably never come – from Shepard. Devastated wasn't enough to describe how he had felt the first time she had died. How was he supposed to go through that again? He couldn't.

Food would have no taste now, no matter what he ate, so he just chose whatever was easier to make and wolfed it down.

* * *

Kaidan was feeling completely numb, swimming in painkillers as he went to see Anderson.

The admiral spoke for a long time; something about a promotion and a new assignment. It seemed important, but the only thing the sentinel really grasped was that he would have a few more days of leave until the paperwork was done. God knows he could use those extra off-duty days.

"Congratulations, Major Alenko," Anderson said, shaking Kaidan's hand.

_Huh? What? Major?_  "T-Thank you, Sir."

"I won't lie to you, Alenko. Recruiting and training human biotics… I thought you'd be more interested. Don't you have anything to say, questions to ask? Is something wrong, son?"

"Shepard…" he couldn't help himself.

"You heard? No wonder she would contact you. Most of her old crew is with her after all. Admiral Hackett just told me he talked to –"

"He did? How? Where is she?"

Anderson frowned and Kaidan quickly squared his shoulders and cleared his throat, trying to recompose himself. "I'm sorry, Sir."

The admiral shook his head and continued, "I was hoping you would know where she is. She wants to return to the Alliance, but apparently there are some things she needs to do first. You know Shepard, right?" he shook his head and smiled, amused. "I knew she was still loyal to us. Unfortunately, Cerberus will be after her now. And officially she's still a terrorist. After all she's done, it's a shame she can't come back as a hero."

His heart was thumping like mad. The numbness was gone and he was back on that unnerving, insane emotional rollercoaster that only Shepard could draw him into. "Are you sure about this, Sir? How did she survive?" Kaidan asked, trying not to sound too eager.

"Hackett was the only one who talked to her, but it was before she went through the Omega 4 relay. After she got back, he could only get Joker on the comm. He said Shepard's in a bad shape and so is the Normandy, but wouldn't give us any more than that. She's somewhere in the Terminus Systems. That she would rather repair her ship and get medical care out there than on Council space shows how much she doesn't trust anyone anymore."

"I'll see if I can find her, Sir." Kaidan saluted Anderson and, with his heart about to explode in his chest, he rushed back to his apartment. He needed to get in touch with her, find out where she was and make sure she would be fine. Was it true that she wanted to come back to the Alliance? God, he sure hoped it was.

When he got home and sat in front of his terminal there was a chat box opened.

Unknown user: _The Commander would like to see you._

_The Commander_? It had to be Shepard, right?

Alenko: _Who is this?_

…

Unknown user: _I am the Enhanced Defense Intelligence of the Normandy SR-2._

The AI. Dangerous. Interesting.

Alenko:  _Did she ask you to contact me?_

Unknown user: _She said your name twenty-four times while regaining consciousness after anesthesia. She also said something about Space Hamster. However, animals are not allowed to visit._

Right. Better not to ask.

Alenko:  _What happened to her?_

Unknown user:  _Major, are you trying to trace my location?_

How could that thing know about his promotion when he had just heard about it and it hadn't even become official yet? And, yes, of course he was trying to trace its location.

Alenko:  _No._

Unknown user:  _You are. You will not be successful. I would not contact you if I was not prepared to block these attempts. Three crewmembers alerted me you were not to be trusted. Their judgment of your character is reliable. You are still trying to trace my location, Major._

Alenko:  _Who said I was not to be trusted?_

Unknown user:  _Operative Miranda Lawson._

The Cerberus' pawn who had very politely threatened him. It figured.

Unknown user:  _Jeff._

Alenko: _Joker?_

Unknown user: _Yes._

No surprise there too. If the message the helmsman had sent him was any indication they were not exactly on friendly terms right now.

Alenko: _Who else?_

Unknown user: _Commander Shepard._

Dark energy crackled on his fingers. It stung to read that name. If Shepard said that about him it had to be after Horizon. But then why would she have sent him that message telling him about her mission, her crew, Project Lazarus, everything?

Ah, of course. She thought she was going to die. She thought all of them would; all the people she trusted would die fighting by her side. He was just the next best thing. The hundredth best thing, actually. For confirmation, he looked for the vid-message and files she had sent him. They were all gone.

Alenko:  _Where's the message she sent me?_

Unknown user:  _She asked me to delete it if we survived the trip back from the Collector Base._

He took a sharp breath, trying to rein in his anger so he could fix this. He had to fix this.

Alenko: _How is she?_

Unknown user: _She fractured four ribs, two fingers, her left ankle and her nose. She's suffered internal bleeding and multiple bruises._

Alenko: _God! Where is she? Is she going to be fine? What happened?_

Unknown user: _She fell._

Kaidan read that answer in disbelief.

Alenko: _She fell? Come on! You've got to give me more than that._

Unknown user: _The Collector base was collapsing while she was still in there. She fell and bounced off a few platforms before hitting the ground and getting trapped under debris. If you want to see her, you have to come alone and you will be searched for bugs upon your arrival. Do you accept these terms, Major?_

Kaidan re-read the message a couple of times and took a deep breath, before typing his answer.

Alenko: _Yes._

* * *

Immediately after EDI had told him where to find Shepard, Kaidan packed his duffel bag and left his apartment. After he was settled in a shuttle to Omega, he sent Anderson a message saying he had found a lead on Shepard and was going to check on it.

He sent her an email trying to verify the information the AI had provided him, but hours later he still hadn't gotten an answer. His resolve was weakening with every stop the shuttle would make along the way. The more time he had to think about it, the less it seemed like a good idea. A couple of days later, by the time he landed on Omega, he was sure he was making the biggest mistake of his life. Trusting an AI and going alone to what could very well be a trap was stupid to say the least.

The instant he stepped out of the shuttle, seriously considering turning around and making the trip back to the Citadel, Garrus and Tali appeared in front of him. They had their weapons drawn and looked like two people on a mission.

"Tali, Garrus," he gave them a polite nod.

"Stand still," the quarian said dryly as Garrus began scanning Kaidan.

"No bugs," the turian announced.

The marine rolled his eyes and blew out an annoyed breath. "Are you going to check me for weapons too? You know I won't –"

"This is Omega, Kaidan. Alliance uniforms aren't welcome here, so it's best if you keep your weapons," Garrus replied. "And, of course, Shepard and I pissed off a lot of people here so if you'll be staying with us, you need to be prepared."

"Is she safe?" Kaidan asked.

"She is. The others are guarding the clinic," Tali said as Garrus led the way to the slums.

When they arrived at said clinic, the place was crawling with aliens and humans coughing, throwing up in buckets, women in labor, children crying, people being rushed inside on improvised gurneys… Kaidan couldn't believe Shepard was looking for medical care in a place like that.

Garrus and Tali directed him to a room with four beds, all occupied. Dr. Karin Chakwas was on one of them, connected to an IV. Joker was sitting on a chair by her side and the Cerberus operative Miranda Lawson was standing by the door.

"We'll answer your questions; explain everything you want to know. You'll listen to us and then we'll let you talk to Shepard," Garrus stated.

"I want to see her," Kaidan replied.

"You've hurt her more than you think, Alenko. You won't see her until we're sure you won't cause any more damage," Chakwas said sternly.

At that, he swallowed hard. The way some of her companions were, so guarded around him; while others were looking angry and even hostile, surely it was not without reason. He would probably have a better chance of fixing things with Shepard if he listened to them first.

He agreed to their terms and they told him about the last few months, their missions, how Shepard had helped everyone get closure on their personal issues before they had headed to the Omega 4 relay and the so called 'suicide mission'. They told him how her crew had gotten kidnapped by the Collectors – including Dr. Chakwas, and that was why she was recovering in Mordin's clinic. Shepard was there too, instead of on the Normandy's medbay. Garrus told him how he and Jacob had gone with Shepard for the final push against the Collectors. They had set up a bomb to destroy their base, defeated a human reaper that was being bred there and then the place was crumbling around them and Shepard had used a biotic throw to get the two of them out of harm's way; which led to her ending up buried under a pile of debris.

"It took some time until we found her underneath all the mess. We kept calling her, but she wasn't answering. She was wounded but alive, breathing and conscious when we reached her. The bomb was about to go off and she knew it, but she never called for help. She… she wanted to die there, Kaidan," Garrus said, his dead serious tone wavering a little in the end.

His stomach dropped. Kaidan knew it was selfish, but all he could think of was that she couldn't die on him again, because he couldn't take it. Why would she want to give up? It wasn't like Shepard to give up.

"She doesn't know you're here," Joker said.

"She helped us all and it was past time we returned the favor," Chakwas added.

Garrus took a step towards Kaidan, his weapon still in his hands. "We all tried talking to her, but you know how good she is shutting people out."

Miranda crossed her arms in front of her chest, hip cocked to the right. "You're not good for her, Major Alenko, but it's you she wants. She's…"

"Broken. You broke her, asshole," Joker interrupted, his tone bitter.

"She needs you, Kaidan," Chakwas continued as if Joker had never spoken, her voice calm and polite.

And what was he supposed to do? He and Shepard, they didn't trust each other. Not anymore. Their lives had gone complete opposite ways. He was Alliance and she had been working with terrorists. Of course he wanted to talk to her, to be part of her life again, but things were not that simple.

Kaidan raked his fingers through his hair. "I don't know if I can help. She's not the Shepard I knew. I'm not sure about this. She doesn't trust me, she might not even want to see me and…"

Dark energy flared around him as Garrus grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall. "You will fix this,  _major_ ," he all but spat the last word on Kaidan's face.

Kaidan used a biotic throw to get the turian off him and instantly Tali had her shotgun trained on his chest and Miranda had her pistol pointed at his head.

"Tali," Kaidan began as he slowly raised his arms in surrender.

"This was not a good idea," Garrus grumbled as he got back up on his feet.

A deafening noise caught everyone's attention. The building trembled and dust fell over them.

A krogan and a drell burst into the room announcing that the clinic was under attack.

"We need to escort the crew back to the Normandy," Miranda said, her attention diverted to hallway.

Chakwas had already ripped the IV off her arm and was unhooking the other crewmembers on the beds there.

"Grunt, you take point and make sure the path is clear. Thane, you'll escort this group back to the ship," Miranda started giving out orders.

"There are three more rooms with the rest of the crew," Tali said, exasperated.

"We'll make sure they get out here alive. Let's go," Miranda said, and they all started moving.

Kaidan threw up his barrier and took out his gun, following them. "What about Shepard? Where is she?"

"Don't worry. Jacob and Massani got her back," Miranda replied, before disappearing into a room, shouting for the patients to get up and follow her.

Kaidan broke off from the team to look for Shepard. Jacob and Zaeed were the ones with her on Horizon. No doubt they could handle a fight, but he wasn't about to leave this place without her when she could be in danger. No way. Never again.

As he advanced inside the clinic, following the noise of gunfire, he spotted her wearing a hospital gown that left nothing for the imagination. She was barefoot, with bandages wrapped around her almost all her limbs, and running to get into cover with the mercenary on her six.

Kaidan wanted to think he had taken cover behind that cabinet because there were enemies firing at him, but the real reason was that he didn't want her to see he was there. He was not ready for that encounter, especially with her dressed like that.

"Nice ass, Shepard," he heard the old man say. It was just battlefield banter and it shouldn't bother him, but it did. After all this time, he still felt like Shepard was… his.

"Thanks, Zaeed. I've been working out," she replied wryly as she sent a shockwave ahead, throwing the enemies out of their covers.

Kaidan helped her and Zaeed finish the mercs in sight, but when she looked back to see who was there, he hid again. She didn't look a second time, probably assuming it was one of her companions.

"Mordin, Jacob, get them out of here now!" she yelled.

The salarian came out of a room with a bunch of civilians in tow. Jacob was right behind them, providing them cover as they headed out.

Kaidan stayed hidden. The fight seemed to have ceased at least for now and Shepard and Zaeed were coming towards him. He took a deep breath, preparing to step out of cover and meet her when a small woman materialized in front him with her gun to his forehead.

She giggled and put her weapon down. "Shep, your boyfriend is here."

"Not now, Kasumi," Shepard replied.

"More incoming!" Zaeed shouted and, at his warning, Shepard threw herself behind the next cover she found, which was a cabinet way too narrow for two people to hide behind it.

Of course she wasn't expecting to find someone else there and lost her balance as she bumped against his chest. Kaidan put his arms around her to steady her and pressed her flush against him as enemy bullets hit the cabinet. It felt so right, so good having her in his rms. God, how much he missed her.

She gave him a startled look. "Kaidan? What are you doing here?"

"The Normandy is ready to leave. Where's the commander?" Joker's voice rang on Zaeed's comm link.

Kasumi peeked out of cover. "Shep, we have to go. There are too many of them and you have no armor," she said.

"Yeah. I don't like running away from a fight, but with your ass hanging out like a goddamn target…" Zaeed added.

Shepard blinked a few times and cleared her throat, getting back in battle mode. She turned around to face her team, her back now pressed against Kaidan's chest so she would still be hidden behind the narrow cabinet and out of the enemy's sight. "Kasumi, flashbang out on my mark. Prepare to run, people."

Everyone nodded and she signaled Kasumi. As the flashbang went off in the middle of the group of mercs that were advancing on their position, she grabbed Kaidan's hand and they rushed out of there.


End file.
